I never know what things mean or why they matter until later.  I am still processing my experience. Every day I realize something I didn’t understand a month ago.

 

Milano was exciting for many.  I thought it was a strange place to end a trip that emphasized being vero.  Every day I was moved to tears by the real beauty, truth, and light in people, art, music, and the world around me. By the time I found myself at that mall, I didn’t want anything money could buy anymore.

 

I was pretty badly behaved in Milano. I cried for days and didn’t care who saw. I had no intention of getting on the plane. I fought with my roommates over whether or not I could survive the summer alone. In the end– I was just short of physically forced to pack and go. (“You’re my ride home! Pack NOW! We’re leaving!” Plus some colorful language. Madison became a real friend.)

 

Why did it feel like my heart was being torn out of my chest? First of all, I wasted too much of my life to accept more wasted moments and opportunities. The time to do anything is right now. Also, I disappointed myself by not being the person I wanted to be. I was a coward, worried constantly about nothing, and had regrets. Most importantly: I always said if I went anywhere–I’d never come back.. as if it never mattered where.

 

Italy became my home. This escalated very, very quickly.

 

In the end, this was something worth doing right. Running off with no plan at all would not have ended well. (Dropping out of school to get there quicker is not the right decision either. It took weeks beyond my return to fully understand and accept how much time, patience, and hard work this will take.) I would have no resources to fight this uphill battle back to Italy, if it weren’t for specific ways I grew there. I learned so many things I didn’t expect– but mostly how my own stubbornness and overthinking are what keeps shooting me straight in the foot.

 

I did a long adaptation of Dr. O’Connor’s favorite exercise on the plane. (It was a long freaking flight!) I didn’t think I’d ever post it (or anything about Milano at all) because I didn’t want to write anything negative. Negatives became positives, given proper perspective. The end of the trip wasn’t the end of anything.  It wasn’t even a new beginning, but a point somewhere in the middle.

 

5 Most Beautiful Sights:

1. Views: Tuscany from castles and towers, Milano from the rooftop of the Duomo, any glance in any direction, anywhere.
2. Uniquely juxtaposed architectural elements- mismatched buildings, cool windows, doors covered with graffiti..
3. The rainbow flag hanging in the Capital.  (This shocked me. I had mistaken Italy for very conservative.)
4. Boys playing kickball in some part of Venice only locals and lost students see.  Narrow walkways, tiny bridges, hidden piazzas, dark gardens: I’d get lost in her streets again without hesitation.  Lights flickering over the canal.  Found souls haunting the bridges at night to collect those who are lost.
5. My “pizza shirt” from that night at the Irish Pub. It was fine art.

 

5 Most Beautiful Sounds:

1. Spoken Italian.  Some moments you could just fall into it..
2. Uncontrollable laughter. I never laughed so much in my life.
3. Francesco Bassi singing covers with his acoustic guitar in the Piazza della Repubblica. (I never cried so hard over something beautiful. He officially ruined music for me. I watch him on social media constantly now.)
4. Madison and Bonnette singing “Hallalujah” and “Amazing Grace” in the church in Poppi.
5. When a random guy in Como said “Andiamo!” to his dog–and the dog barked back.

 

5 Most Wonderful Tastes:

1. The steak at Trattoria San Lorenzo: how can I ever be a vegetarian now??
2. Lemon gelato.
3. Chef’s Marcello’s ratatouille.
4. Pesto.
5. The Oceania: My 14 euro cocktail on the rooftop restaurant in Milano.

 

5 Most Wonderful Smells:

1. All of Chef Marcello’s cooking.
2. Food smells drifting through the streets.  Every food, every street.
3. Fresh coffee brewing.
4. Rain, mud, flowers, and cut grass in the Tuscan countryside.
5. Incense and the smell of burning candles wafting through old churches.

 

5 Best Feelings:

1. Rain falling, familiarity, and the hope it brought.
2. Grandpa and God within me.
3. Feeling myself growing physically stronger.
4. Finding lightness.
5. Proximity, dizziness, heat, heart pounding, butterflies in my stomach, induced stupidity, temporary insanity, inappropriate laughter, and all the bad choices I wanted to make. (Shame on me or not, it was fun.)

 

I Know:

1. Very little for sure anymore, but more than I thought I did?
2. That Dr. Permenter was right last semester when she said there are things I must accept I will never understand. I’m done being driven insane by questions with no answers. Plenty of questions have answers.
3. All people are connected by an undercurrent of collective will, knowledge, and intuition. Spiritual truths are inherent.
4. I will speak broken Italian in public for the rest of my life, especially when I really need to pee,want someone to follow me, or accidentally bump into someone.
5. I’ve been repeating the same mistakes for too long. If our lives really are stories we wrote ourselves, I should probably never write again.

 

I Learned:

1. Adopting a new language and culture will change your life completely.
2. I can’t handle Italian coffee.  As much as I love it, I won’t sleep for days.
3. Everyone is Source. There is no need to chase unicorns.
4. Perfection is undesirable in the worst of ways.
5. If you try to circumvent all the bad you see coming, you will fuck up all the good that was meant to be instead.  It is better to keep the 3rd eye closed.  Your free will is only limited by what you already think you know. Both wishful thinking and worst case scenarios are bastardized versions of fate.

 

I Will Never Forget:

1. No one wears 6-inch stilettos in Italy.  Anywhere.  For any occasion.  Ever!
2. Any of the “70 Things Heard In Italy”..  I am still reading this stupid list to people who don’t care and it is still overly amusing to me.
3. Moments I can’t even admit mattered.
4. “You’ll always know what this was.” Really??
5. The entire mind-blowing conversation on the Ponte degli Scalzi at 3 a.m.

 

I Forgive Myself For:

1. Feeling everything so deeply.
2. Losing so many things I didn’t really need.
3. Having a hard time processing what made no sense at the time.
4. Being awkward AF.
5. Remaining drunk the entire trip.  (I was proving a point that isn’t important anymore.)

 

I Will NEVER Forgive Myself For:

1. Wasted opportunities.
2. Selective courage.
3. Trying to be 100% fake.
4. Not sticking up for what was right, when I should have.
5. Sabotaging myself financially.

 

I Grew:

1. To appreciate real beauty, truth, and courage.
2. Stronger.  (And thank you. I needed that!)
3. More confident in ways that will matter.
4. Sure of what one thing I want to do with the rest of my life. Finally!
5. Completely apart from everyone else I used to be close to.

 

I’m Proud That:

1. I don’t do anything at half-measure.
2. I quit caring what other people think.
3. I learned so much.
4. I am fundamentally incapable of living a lie.
5. I’ve never admired stupid or weak people. I find my lost heroes inside myself when I really need their wisdom and strength. I am so grateful!

 

Things I Won’t Be Able To Live With Anymore:

1. Gross, disgusting processed food.
2. The constant nagging of a phone.  I am not “on call”.. and I don’t have to deal with you immediately!
3. People that lack intellectual curiosity in situations that don’t inspire learning.
4. Gaming, virtual reality, and anything that is a shell of a real experience. I’ve been saved from spending the rest of my life behind a desk!
5. Giving up too easily. Or ever.

 

Things I Won’t Be Able to Live Without Anymore:

1. Walking 10 miles a day.
2. Writing in a physical, paper journal. My Moleskin still hangs around my neck and I go nowhere without it. I can admit when I was wrong, and that I am usually wrong.
3. Spirituality.
4. An itinerary. Every day is another step of goal-directed, planned progress.
5. The part of my heart that stayed in Italy.

 

 

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